To the girl in her mid 20’s

You’ve spent years daydreaming about this phase in your life. Thinking about the dream job you’d have. The funny friends and funnier partner. Your life would be so Insta perfect it would seem too good to be true. But you would work hard for it, you would achieve all those life goals and come out on top. Because you’re hardworking. Determined. Tenacious. And that’s the road to success right?

But here you are and your life is anything but a dream. It’s a below average reality you never imagined living.

The emptiness of getting felt up

He has his hands on my back as he pulls me closer to him,

And I feel nothing.

I simply look into his eyes and wonder what he’ll do next.

He pulls me even closer and his eyes drop to my lips the same time his mouth crashes to mine and…

I still feel nothing.

I want to “get lost in the moment”

But all I get lost in are thoughts of what to do with my hands and my arms and the fact that my leg is beginning to ache because of the way that I am resting it.

I wait to get lost in what he’s doing with his body against mine but all I feel is nothing.

I’m highly aware of my lack of emotion

And I’m highly aware of the fact that I’m highly aware of everything that he’s doing and everything I’m doing and I have to wonder if it’s always going to be like this?

Like a game of chess with an ever evolving strategy of what to do? And how to do it? And should I keep my head tilted like this?

I wait to get lost in what his mouth is doing against mine or the way his hands are beginning to travel over my body but all I feel is nothing.

And while I begin to surrender to the nothingness and let it soak in, I begin to wonder;

Will the feel of lips and the touch of his hands always make feel like this?

Empty?

Or is he the one who just lacks meaning?